Heart at Peace and Heart at War

I am wondering...

1. after helping someone - why there are times, I am not feeling good about the assisting.

2. after a great conversation with my spouse, friends, colleagues, families, etc - why I may not feel good about the conversation later.

3. after a great job done at work - why there are times, I don't feel good about my accomplishment.

4. after spending sometime with my kid - I may not feel satisfied with what I have done.

And there are many more examples of these good behaviours, yet I feel as if my heart is at war rather than be at peace. My heart feels unsettled.

That's right.

I am wondering how I created these feelings.

I realise the possiblilities...

When I was helping that someone and I did not feel good about the assisting later, I possibly have ME in mind rather than him/her even when I have a good intention.

My behaviour is seen to be helping but the purpose is to serve my hidden intention of wanting to be acknowledged or recognised.

When I have a great conversation with people and don't feel good about the conversation later, again, I possibly may have ME in mind instead of being fully present to the moment.

I am interested only in what I have to say and what they think about what I said than wanting to be present to what others are saying.

When they speak, my mind wonders or thinking what would I say next. When it is my turn to speak, I am in the conversation again. My behaviour is seen to be caring, sharing and participative, the other purpose also could be to show that 'I am better than' or 'I need the attention'.

When I have done a great job at work and don't feel good about my accomplishment, yes, you are right, I possibly have ME in mind instead of focusing on the benefit to others in me completing the job.

My behaviour is seen to be a person who is responsible and committed but the purpose could also be to proof to others that I am good and smart or to look good in the eyes of the bosses and colleagues or to seek acknowledgement and recognition.

When I spent time with my kids and don't feel satisfied or joy after that, and again, you are right, I have ME in mind instead of the kids.

It is possible that I am focus in satisfying my sense of feeling gulity for not spending time with them as much as I intended to or I am spending time with the kids to fulfil an obligation as written on my to do list.

My behaviour possibly to satisfy a need to do 'the right thing' as expected from a parent and I avoid 'looking bad' when I do not spend enough time with the kids.

What are your thoughts?

Have you ever been in such a state?

Many times when I seem to be adding value to people, I may also have other needs which I am trying to fulfil. The moment I am aware or notice these other possible intentions, I am free of these other needs.

When I am free, I will be able to choose to realign my intention with my behaviour so that I will have a heart at peace.

What I learn for myself from this sharing is that when I only focus on ME, my heart could be at war.

When my heart is at war, the need for acknowledgement, wanting to look good or avoiding looking bad, when it is fulfilled, will not be enough. I keep wanting more.

There will be no end and I will be mentally and emotionally pondering about it.

However, when my focus and attention are genuinely on others, their well being and their successes, my heart will be at peace whatever the outcome is.

I invite you to ponder... :)

There is nothing wrong about feeling the above. I am just challenging my thoughts.

Ultimately we are here to serve Allah, our family, mankind and also ourselves.

ciao
Izam